Secrets of Happier Families
Genae-Valecia Hinesman
May 27, 2008
Who are these families? How do they manage to stay together? And, more importantly, what can the rest of us learn from them? You may or may not be surprised to learn that they are not differentiated by any obvious appearance or sign. Some are middle class, some could even be considered wealthy, while others would be classified as destitute.
They do not occupy any one specific geographical location, but can be found in various places in this and in other countries. Individually, they are members of a wide variety of nationalities and ethnicities.
If neither economics, nor social class distinctions, nor ethnic/cultural influences can determine a family´s unity and overall potential happiness, then what does? The simplified answer lies in their daily behavioral habits. Since "happiness" is more of an abstract or subjective concept to people in general, we will use the term, "happier families" for this article.
Regardless of cultural or socio-economic differences, these so-called "happier families" all showed certain remarkable similarities. These similarities were the chosen patterns of behavior that were followed each day by the family members themselves, especially when relating to each other. Interestingly enough, all of the families that were interviewed displayed each of the following traits, although in slight variations from each other. The seven most common traits are listed below.
Priority Placed on the Primary Relationship
The "primary relationship" is usually composed of the spousal pair of husband and wife, or the committed adult partners heading the household. Each family recognized that the state of this union would set the tone for the entire unit. Every day, the main partners, either verbally or silently, together or separately, renewed their commitment and devotion to each other in some way. For some, this was simply a daily personal decision to work out any problems or differences with one another and consciously behave in loving ways toward their partner. Others used affirmations or even repeated portions of their vows together on a regular basis. The key here seemed to be to never lose sight of the love that first brought them together.
There was also a marked determination to show through example how to live together compassionately, respectfully, and lovingly in ways that their children could mimic, especially during times of stress or crisis. If the children witnessed a disagreement, they also witnessed the two partners negotiating compromises and asking forgiveness as well. Children were not shielded from differing points of view, but they did learn how to reach an understanding and how to remain respectful during a clash of ideas. Name-calling and rudeness, as well as violence were avoided at all costs. If tempers flared excessively, a pre-existing agreement to observe a "cooling off" period for up to an hour before coming together again to try to work things out prevented an escalation in anger.
Respect for Children
Children in these families were universally seen as valued individuals--- not as property, joint possessions, trophies, or lesser entities in the family unit. Their opinions were listened to and validated by the adults with whom they lived. Discipline took the form of instruction, or event/consequence parenting rather than physical punishment that was to be feared. Children received explanations when requested regarding why something was to be done or not done. Whenever possible, children were included in the decision-making processes that would affect them, although parents could exercise their "veto power" as needed.
Time Spent Together
Time together as a family unit was highly prized by all, and considered second only to the private time spent alone between the primary partners. On average, happier families perform together more of the daily activities that most families do individually. This ranged from simple errands to weekend recreation. If a family member belongs to a sporting league, etc. the entire household attended their games or events. If the kids want to visit a park, then both parents go as well, and both of them actively participate/interact with their children. These are the families we have all seen in which Mom, Dad, and the kids are playing frisbee or kickball together, laughing, and having a great time. These parents spend little, if any, time watching from a park bench.
As a result of all of this togetherness, these families report being able to comfortably remain in each others´ company at those times when external situations compel them to have extended time together, such as severe weather, blackouts, or even a family vacation where they may have to share very close quarters in a cramped hotel room….while still managing to have fun.
Regular Family Meetings
Once a week, (for some, once a month) a mandatory "family meeting" was held. All members were given equal opportunity to speak and to be heard, even the youngest. Three main topics were discussed. These were: a.) What each family member appreciated about the other(s) during that past week/month, b.) What problems or concerns they encountered within the family that may not have been fully resolved that week/month, and c.) What external concerns, problems, or news took place that week/month outside of the family´s household. "Brainstorming sessions" in which everyone worked on ideas for solving problems or meeting goals often happened at these times. Only one family interviewed didn´t use the "family meeting" technique, but instead accomplished the same group dialogue after the family dinner each night.
Open and Honest Communication
Hurt feelings were not suffered in silence in these families, but expressed at the earliest private opportunity with the offending party. This seemed to have kept resentments to a minimum. Honest words spoken with tact and care were the preferred way of dealing with sensitive subjects. Mutual care of one another´s feelings was the primary concern in any exchange. Moreover, being too stubborn or too proud to be the first to make amends was almost considered a taboo.
Showing Appreciation
Happier families stood out in the way that they complained about each other less than the average family, and praised or thanked each other far more. Requests were also much more common than demands. No doubt most families in our society are guilty of taking each other for granted far too often.
A Spiritual Focus
Finally, every family interviewed shared a strong belief in a Supreme Intelligence that was more loving and forgiving than remote and vindictive. Some were members of an organized religion or Church, while others shared an alternative or self-styled spiritual tradition. Children were encouraged, but didn´t feel forced, to participate and were expected to decide their own spiritual path by adulthood. On occasion, this differed from that of their parents, but only rarely. Those who took part in this study included both traditional and non-traditional Christians, Orthodox and Reformed Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, followers of Islam, various Neopagans, including Wiccans, and those who considered themselves non-denominational or "other".
Every effort was made to be as inclusive and diverse as possible to determine what made some families "work" better than others. No one who responded claimed to be an atheist. This probably doesn´t mean that there are no healthy and intact atheist families. They may in fact exist. However, they did not come forward to participate in the study and in the subsequent interviews, so therefore, the data is unavailable. What this actually means is up to the reader to determine.
What these findings do tell us is what most of us on some level already know but do not consistently practice. Namely, that a cohesive family unit that is willing to work daily at creating a loving, respect-filled, secure, and mutually supportive environment for one another in spite of external pressures can thrive… even in today´s uncertain world.