CHAPTER 3: Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty Swoops Congress

Chapters 1 and 2 related the incredible aspects of my little black cat, the inimitable Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty, accidentally getting herself elected to Congress from my district and how the ACLU withstood strong challenges to this happenstance to eventually prevail in the dubious Ninth Circuit. You´ll have to read them to really catch up on how this all transpired. I won´t go into detail now. Suffice to say it was astonishing to everyone least alone me. Well, probably me after the other ´human´ candidates running for the same office.

The voters took it in stride as it sure brought business and notoriety to Oceanside, California. Put us on the map I´d say. My goodness, how quickly those T shirts appeared saying in bold print "Yea, I Voted for the Cat! So what?" Seems everyone had one on. I turned down I don´t know how many requests by tourists to come into my house to see where Ms Kitty slept and other such inane things. It was hectic. I feel for Britney!

But the day arrived when I had to let go of my now ´celebrity´ cat to allow her, as the court had ruled, serve her term. I actually fought it for a bit, but finally realized that it had to be. The local Human Society had been nosing around and found I took a snort or two of Jack Daniels on occasion and began asking questions of my neighbors. I cut that short by agreeing to sever all legal ties to my beloved Ms Kitty excepting that her staff had to consult me about her living conditions in Washington. In effect, the lawyers had me sign a divorce decree of sorts. I wasn´t allowed to be within 100 feet of her at any time. Those lawyers! Will God ever forgive them?

A crowd gathered the day they came to escort the cat to Washington. The Capital Police, Secret Service, and all. Oh, she had quite a sendoff. There was a slight glitch as PETA, the animal rights activists, came dressed as cats and blocked the driveway. However, that little episode was short lived. No, the law enforcement people did not want to touch them with a ten foot pole - political correctness reasons is my guess. But it so happened that with all the excitement, ´Killer´, a not so friendly Doberman got out from his normally secure patio enclosure and had a few pieces of PETA you might say.

Off she went to San Diego and a flight to our nation´s capital. It was a sad day for me to be sure. However, Ms Kitty always had an adventurous streak – probably the result of her being dressed in her Barbie Doll outfits those kids festooned her with - and really seemed to enjoy the excitement. There were her favorite ´treats´ in abundance and lots of patting and such. She was on a great adventure as far as I could tell. Bon Voyage!

I did manage to insist that her good friend, Mr. Stripes, whom she had grown up with, accompany her. He was a dandy of a tomcat. Only thing was he had never had a real home and lived amongst the bushes eating whatever the neighbors fed him. I wasn´t quite sure how he would fit in with the Washington elite. I had no such worries about Ms Kitty. She was ´class in a black fur coat´.

I did manage to have one last laugh on the entire lot of do – good´ers. They didn´t ask and I didn´t tell them about Ms Kitty´s litter box. Now, Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty was a proper cat who was modest as could be. I knew those interlopers would be in trouble at a certain point. Sure enough – they called me frantically the next morning. I immediately Fed Ex´d the box at government expense – without cleaning it! (Cat owners will get it.) Take that! I had a wee bit of revenge.

There was a clamor when the transition party arrived at Dulles International Airport. You´d have thought Hillary had come to town after resigning the campaign! (No, guess that won´t happen.) The news folk were everywhere including the ubiquitous Geraldo. (There was nothing in this ´vault´, too.) He couldn´t get within ten of his handlebar moustaches of the cat. (I´m sure you saw it.) Nancy Pelosi, not one to miss a publicity opportunity, tried to crash the party but was shunted aside where she gave a rambling speech to – no one. The attention was on the cat coming to Congress this day.

She was taken directly to Capital Hill where she settled readily in for the ´Freshman Orientation´ process where she´d learn such things as ´Lobbying 101´, ´Junkets on the Sly´, ´Free Golf Without Declaring It´, and, of course the most important, ´Campaign Fund Raising for Beginners´ immediately followed by ´Campaign Fund Raising: How to Fudge The Books´ with that followed up with ´Campaign Fund Raising: ...´ (Well, you get the point.).

All were well and dutifully attended classes with the exception of ´How to Survive Sex Scandals´ – that one was jam packed with someone noting that even seasoned Congressmen were in attendance – a refresher course, I guess.

There was the swearing in ceremony. I wish I had thought ahead. She did not have a family bible. This was to be a great mistake in the times to come. You´ll see why soon.

Ms Kitty was given a staff of about fifteen high level GS persons. Mostly women except the two gay guys. There were hints that if she voted ´right´ - ´Pelosi right´ - she would be duly rewarded with more staff and other ´perks´. It all depended on her.

There was some consternation about working for a cat in Congress, but good judgment prevailed. The argument which won the day was that if our judicial system had ruled that Ms Kitty was duly elected by the people then she must be legitimate. The courts were seldom wrong? That won out in time although there was some head scratching and tongue wagging.

When newly elected people come to Congress they are usually assigned the worst office spaces there are - down in the bowels of the Capital. That was not the case with Ms Kitty. She was given one of the choice spots. She had been elected as an ´Independent´ and therefore her vote was up for grabs; she was one of those Joe Liebermann types – very popular when voting time came around. Everyone wanted to court the cat – her vote would be crucial in times of crisis, or on issues of great political import like some of those dubious ´pork´ projects.

Barack sent a nice array of flowers with a note saying that he was there for all Americans no matter what color, race, ethnicity – or species. Hillary found out and one upped him with a nice basket of cat treats. Her note said she had loved cats for 35 years and would be happy to have her on her staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW when she moved in next January. (Ms Kitty was, after all, now a Super Delegate!)

Ms Kitty did quite well as a ´new´ Congresscat. Her staff prepared and submitted an amendment to the Americans With Disabilities Act which required all Federal Buildings to install cat litter boxes and flea collar dispensers in all bathrooms. It passed nearly unanimously at a cost of a paltry ten billion dollars. (You didn´t screw around with Americans with disabilities no matter what; that would cost you lots of votes back home!) "Money well spent!" said Pelosi. (She so wanted that cat on her side.) Incidentally, Halliburton was NOT chosen to do THIS job. Guess Cheney is losing his influence inside the ´Beltway´?

The press had a field day with this ´cat electing´ phenomenon. There were California jokes galore about how the people might next elect a dog and all. Heck, this was quite calm for California people in my opinion. After all, we had once elected Jerry ´Moon Beam´ Brown as Governor. And reelected him as Attorney General last election! And did we not send Maxine "Muddy´ Waters to Congress pretty much for life? And who´s to account for Barbara Boxer? Oh, there were some voters who disclaimed the fact they had voted for a cat. One said "I actually voted against that cat before I voted for her!" No, electing a cat was not that out of line for California when you really think about it.

There were various stories about the life of Ms Kitty in all the papers and on television. There was even one about Ms Kitty having come under sniper fire in her home town of Oceanside, California. Ridiculous! There are very few snipers in Oceanside with the exception of those at Camp Pendleton, the local Marine Base. The snipers in this town, what few there are, don´t waste their ammo on cats. That story was in The New York Times and was quickly discounted. Duh?

There was a slight stir about her not initially wearing an American Flag pin. She (her staff) was all for it and had one attached to her collar so as not to be controversial. Will Barack follow her lead? I think he has done so. That cat had influence!

Her first few weeks in office were uneventful with two exceptions: There was a ruckus with the Congressional Black Caucus and The Washington Post scooped a story on her lineage as possibly being one - half Persian. These were potentially explosive as you´ll see in Chapter 4.