CHAPTER 2: Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty Does Politics

In CHAPTER 1: Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty Goes to Washington, I explained the life of the inimitable Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty as a kitten and the trials she faced growing up resulting in her making a ´change´ in her life. She came to live with me. She is a cat of solutions not simply change for change´s sake. She was in a predicament and took action.

I also began to tell you how she became involved in politics by watching me at the computer and listening with me to the pundits and pontificators on the cable news channels. She seemed to have her favorites. She found Chris Matthews entertaining. I know this because she purred during his show. She really liked Andrea Mitchell; her tail would wag with appreciation of such genteelness, I suppose, in contrast to many other talking heads. She didn´t necessarily like all women – she could take or leave Barbara Walters. She didn´t really care for O´Reilly; she glared at him.

She, like us all, seemed to have those whom she disliked with a passion. Whenever Olbermann was on she became so agitated that she made repeated trips to her scratch pad which she gave a violent workout before returning to listen to what other vile interpretations of the news he was going to spew forth in his ranting and raging. The ´Special Comment´ part of the show really ticked her off; I had to constantly replace the scratching pads when that was delivered – she´d tear one apart with each show!

She was a very precocious cat and quickly picked up on things as I have explained prior. All that doesn´t explain how she managed to get elected to Congress – in a landslide no less!

It seems that Ms Kitty was one day imitating me at the computer by pawing the keyboard. (She mimicked my daily actions a lot.) Somehow, she managed to bring up the screen from the local Board of Elections. As she pawed it she errantly filled in an application for election.

While ´doodling´ away at the application, she managed somehow to fill in most of the required boxes missing only the one declaring party affiliation. She appeared as an ´Independent´ on the ballot.

It just so happened that the locals were looking for ´change´ and when Election Day arrived she appeared to be a better choice than either the Republican or Democratic nominees. People were fed up with the partisan bickering and pettiness of the campaigns of both the established party candidates. They were tired of who did what first and for how long, who had more ´experience´ to govern, who would bring the most and best ´change´, and all that talk of their church affiliations was really tedious. They were appalled at the amount of money spent to assume a job paying a measly $250,000 per year.

They had heard none of it from this Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty candidate. So, they reasoned, with her being a female, an Independent, and with such a classy sounding name, why not? "Give her a chance; she couldn´t do any worse." were their thoughts as exit polling confirmed.

(I suspect there was some gender bias involved. The other candidates were men excepting the Libertarian who was a lesbian. The women in my district had had enough of political ´men´ what with all the sex scandals breaking out all over politics! They were really riled at the wives who would ´stand by their man´ at any number of podiums across the land as the transgressor ´confessed´, apologized, and sometimes resigned – Kwame Kilpatrick being the exception. (Geez, sometimes their replacements – as is the case in New York State – were also tainted by ´sex´.) It was time for some ´change´ in this type of behavior. Much too much sex in government these days, these women thought, and their vote reflected it! Can´t say I blame them.)

Not that Ms Kitty campaigned or anything. She did nothing. In fact, she was a true unknown, but she received the preponderance of votes. The people were in a ´throw the bums out´ mood. And they did resulting in a decided victory – for a cat!

Now when it was discovered that Ms Kitty was not human - in fact, was a cat - there was an angry outcry especially from the Democratic candidate who immediately hired the best political lawyer in town, demanded a recount, pointed out voting irregularities, and threatened to take the case all the way to the Supreme Court. "It´s Florida all over again!" he whined to all who would listen. (I take offense to that argument! We do not have hanging chads out here on this coast! The voters at least know how to vote here. It really isn´t that hard.)

Even Jesse and Reverend Al appeared on the scene. (She was, after all, a BLACK cat and there were lots of cameras following this story.) They blew into town, were interviewed (although they had to chase down some of the cameramen), established Ms Kitty as a ´victim´ of some sort, and blew back out having taken a stand and claimed their five minutes of fame – or infamy? - once again.

Yes, there was a lot of head scratching, news analysis, and political commentating immediately following that election. And hand wringing by the losers. There was no precedent to this unusual happenstance. How could it be resolved?

Thank God for the ACLU. They immediately took interest and sided with… the cat. Ms Kitty now had a staunch and unrelenting ally, one with deep pockets owing to the vast amount of donations from Hollywood celebrities who love wacky causes - the wackier the better. Streisand reportedly gave a concert in support and raised a huge amount. Nothing really unusual in that, I guess. (Thank goodness, Britney remained on the sidelines for this party.)

The ACLU relished the challenge; if they could win this case, they could win them all. They got right to work – after soliciting (some say shaking down) - major pet food companies and pet store chains for ´donations´ which they received in bundles. "You couldn´t invent advertising like this" they reasoned, "Imagine, a cat in Congress!" They would all want this cat on their labels and would pay dearly for a shot at landing her likeness.

To make a long story short, the ACLU prevailed, as they usually do with the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals here in California. The Court handed down some sort of incongruous ruling – not an unusual occurrence from that body - concerning the sanctity of the electorate and the unwillingness of the judicial system to intervene in the will of the people. Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty was declared the duly elected Congress…err?…ahh?... Congresscat from my district.

Needless to say all of this commotion caused me great distress. The constant paparazzi, the nagging press, the late night news programs, even Larry King Live. (Oh well, I can forgive Larry – he is rather anachronistic and his ratings have been falling. I don´t mind his jumping on the bandwagon.)

What bothered me most was that the lawyers had won and were forcing the issue. Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty would have to move to Washington and serve out her term. "Couldn´t be?" you say. I had no say in the matter once the legal beagles took over her - and my – life. I learned the hard way that lawyers rule the world – and we haven´t a doggoned chance. Had I refused to part with my beloved cat, I would be declared in contempt of court and jailed. That would help neither me nor Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty. I acquiesced.

(SEE CHAPTER 3 (Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty Swoops Congress) and CHAPTER 4 (Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty Makes a 'Name' For Herself) online, GOOGLE SEARCH DENNIS COPSON MS KITTY KITTY KITTY)