BARACK OBAMA OR HILLARY CLINTON?

WITBONES – "Ask A Humorist!" is a new advice column for the laughlorn by humorist B. Elwin Sherman. This time out, he responds to readers trying to find the humor in Presidential politics:

DEAR WITBONES:

My husband wants Obama, and I´m voting for Hillary. This has created a lot of tension in this house, and we´re hardly speaking to each other. We´re also now riding in separate cars, watching television in opposite ends of the house, eating dinner alone and, worst of all, no more lovemaking! How can I get my husband back in our bed and end this bickering? Signed: HOUSE DIVIDED IN HOUSTON

Dear HOUSE:

When any family dispute boils down to an Abraham Lincoln speech, it´s time for a radical intervention, and asking a humorist for advice does indeed show how desperate you are.

I may be paraphrasing, but when Lincoln said "A house divided against itself will need at least two cars and two televisions," he knew where the American family (and the need for two bathrooms) was headed.

Your Obama versus Hillary household dilemma might best be resolved by heralding another Lincoln quote. He once said: "If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee." This is not only the crux of the friction in your home, but is also the same difference between your candidates, and you might try applying a tactic that will at least temporarily disarm both of you.

I´d suggest soft lighting, smooth music, sexy lingerie and apple juice.

Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

Our college-attending daughters recently came home to visit, and since they´ve landed we´ve heard nothing except how we simply have to vote for Barack Obama. My husband and I are Republicans, but we´re both unhappy with the presumed nominee of our Party. We´re thinking of supporting Hillary Clinton. When our daughters heard this, they flipped out. What now? Signed: AGONIZING IN AKRON

Dear AGONIZING:

You should first count yourself lucky that your daughters have to come home to visit. The cost of sending them to college is nothing compared to what you´d otherwise be shelling out for their upkeep under your roof. Count your blessings, and hide your cell phones.

Next, you must know that "flipped out" is the normal mindset for anyone attending college. I don´t even remember the first six months of my enlistment in advanced academia, except to say that I´ve now traded-in flashbacks for flash forwards. Your daughters´ newfound passion for politics and Mr. Obama will settle down and find its own way.

You might be more concerned about how you will handle your suppressed hysteria on the day daughter number one appears at your door with what looks like the reincarnation of Sid Vicious, and you´re seized with the prospect of having a blue-haired grandchild named "Ozone Peach."

Or, when daughter number two arrives announcing that she´s found the true meaning of life in a religion that combines mutant entomology, mountain retreats and plate-spinning in the buff.

Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

This is the first time I´ll be voting for a president, and I registered as a Democrat. I´m also an African American woman. Now, do I go with race or gender? I´m split evenly on the issues between Obama and Hillary, and I feel like all the rest is reduced to a choice between my heritage and my sex. Help! Signed: COIN TOSS IN TOLEDO

Dear COIN:

This is a tough one. I´ve never been an African American or a woman, so I wouldn´t presume to know the depths of your scope & practice of either. But, where I come from, your gender IS your heritage.

I hail from a long line of garbage taker-outers, for example. My grandfather did this chore, as did my father before me, for no reason I know other than they were men, and this is what men are expected to do.

I once tried to deny this legacy, and instead did the laundry and washed the dishes. I meant well, of course, but the first time I put wool sweaters in the dryer and chipped the wedding china I was quickly reassigned to my domestic birthright.

Now, how does this translate into which way you should vote? I´m sticking with my rewrite of Robert Frost´s "The Road Not Taken."

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I---

I took the other one.

Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

I know it sounds impossible at this late date, but I still can´t decide between Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Yes, I´m one of the "Undecideds," and I don´t even know why, myself. I´ve never had trouble making up my mind about who to vote for, and I´m just baffled that I´m so baffled. Can you explain this? Signed: WISHY-WASHY IN WACO

Dear WISHY:

It´s often been said (by me) that Harry Truman wasn´t the President who didn´t decide not to drop the bomb. It doesn´t seem to me that you´re not facing a dissimilar pickle.

If I weren´t you, I couldn´t be any less cavalier, not about which one you shouldn´t ignore, but which one you don´t think wouldn´t best undo the job when the wrong time didn´t come.

I also wouldn´t, if I weren´t me, stop reading Lewis Carroll to relax. Or not.

Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.

Copyright 2008 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Used here with permission. Questions for WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!" may be submitted to: WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!", c/o B. Elwin Sherman, P.O. Box 360, Bethlehem, NH, 03574. Or, you may e-mail Elwin.