Gay Relationships - Straight Marriages: Comparison Wars
Dave Muskera, M.A.
January 18, 2008
John Cloud, a writer for the Times Magazine, recently penned an article about gay relationships. Mr. Cloud, himself an openly gay man, first tells of the breakup of his own seven year relationship the year before, then delves into what he calls the existing "academic research on relationships" to fill out his theme that gays and lesbians may be somehow "different" from straights in their relationship dynamics.
While Cloud admits the heterosexual research is "abundant", he also concedes the scarceness and relative newness of studies dealing directly with homosexual pairs. In fact, he only notes two journal publications - one from Norway in 2006 and a 1998 article from the Journal of Marriage and the Family. Another "paper" by the same 1998 author in 2004 is quoted more extensively. He also draws on a study in pre-publication form (2003) from the Gottman Institute on marital relationships. I think Cloud may have misunderstood the numbers of "subjects" involved in this one and may have also erroneously concluded that the Gottman study actually included straight married couples. It did not. Dr. Gottman has done extensive heterosexual relationships research in the past and, in this one, was only comparing gay couples to his earlier work. According to the Gottman Institute website, his twelve year study of gay couples involved only 21 gay male and 21 lesbian couples who met certain rigid criteria no prior long term live in relationships, no children and couples had to be within the same age range. These restrictions (and others) plus the small number of participants leave all kinds of unanswered questions: questions about the usefulness of results (without a lot more investigation) and questions about how reliable his "results" can be when applied to the population at large.
Of course, it was not Cloudīs intent to critique the research. Nor will I go any further with it myself. If youīve read this far, Iīd rather not risk losing your attention by pushing ahead with some boring analysis. So, please stay with me a bit.
The main point I want to highlight is that all these "studies" - in most reported publications - seem to be comparing apples to oranges - and Iīm not talking about the gay-straight dichotomy. That is to say, they compare gay and lesbian couples "living together" in committed relationships to heterosexual "married" couples.
You know, as in "marriage" - that legal relationship status granting numerous (both state and federal) privileges and responsibilities. That damnably difficult and expensive to legally dissolve piece of paper. You know - "marriage" - that family thing the US Congress felt compelled to defend by passing into law a crappy piece of legislation known as the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) under the Clinton Administration in 1996. This īlaw" basically baring gays and lesbians from ever becoming "legally married" in this country. You know - "marriage"- that institution, in such bad need of "protection" that droves of evangelicals supposedly flocked to the polls casting ballots in favor of altering their state constitutions rather than risk letting gay people into the marriage club. In essence, they voted to keep gays outside in the relationship wilderness of just "living together." Marriage, that event that often takes place in June with much pomp and circumstance, the wearing of special clothing, the giving of rings, the exchange of "vows" and the wedding kiss, the cutting of cakes and the toss of flowers...all attended and witnessed by a happy, tearful and cheering crowd of family and friends.
Now I pose some questions for consideration: How do we stack all this "marriage" lore and culturally approved ritual and ceremony (not to mention the legal aspects)up against two men or women who meet, fall in love (or lust as the case may be) and end up spending five, ten or even fifty years together? Gay folks do this trick on a regular basis and most often without the benefits of family, church or cultural approval and sanction. With no reliance on the powerful bonding symbols of the straight marriage industry and without the legal ties that, letīs face it, sometimes keep straights in otherwise unsatisfactory marriages. How can we even begin to compare relationship dynamics under such unequal circumstances? If studies of this type have any hope of making real and useful contributions, they need to start by comparing gay couples to "unmarried" straight couples (not married ones!) in relationships of similar length.
I have some credentials here that John Cloud may not. I was in a heterosexual marriage for 23 years and have also spent 35 years counseling straight couples and married folk in a clinical psychological practice. I have had two long term gay relationships one bummer for five years and my present good one of almost twelve. None of this makes me an expert anymore than Cloudīs credentials in his seven year gay relationship does him. But, I do think it gives me a bit of an understanding edge he may yet age into. I know first hand about the dance of power between the sexes and more than a bit about the difficulties in establishing a male-male relationship and getting it beyond the falling-in-love stage to a time of being equally fulfilling and just "in-love". I wish I knew more of how same-sex female couples cope with relationships but at this point, I do not.
While Cloudīs article does not suggest we do this, keep in mind that holding heterosexual marriage as the gold standard against which to measure how to have and maintain long term relationships is a risky business. Depending on where you get your stats, the US divorce rate is no lower than 41% and possibly as high as 50% or more. Obviously, straight marriage is in deep doodoo of its own accord - without any regard to the question of letting gay people into the fold. So let's at least call a spade a spade.
But back to my point about the apples and oranges comparisons: It seems patently unfair and an unreliable tactic to compare and contrast gay couples living together through mutual consent and "married" straight couples -who may even sometimes wake up the morning after the wedding asking themselves "What the hell have I done?" but, none-the-less, stay together because of family, financial or other social pressures.
Letīs face it too....We all know of heterosexual relationships lasting 30 or more years that existed between two people who grew to hate each other but stayed together because of the force of legal marriage, or the fear of loss of income or property, or the influence of family (kids) or sometimes just plain old "inertia" till death did gratefully part them. Many heterosexual relationships probably should, by all good reason, end within the first five years but donīt because of "the kids" and/or other entanglements created by the legalities of the marriage contract. Can you imagine what the split-up rate would be for heterosexual couples if all they had to do when hitting a big emotional snag was to pack a suitcase and get a moving van?
When two gay men or women recognize that things arenīt working out or the relationship is not what they bargained for, while the separation may be emotional and painful, the logistics of "leaving" are most often fairly simple unless they have created a blizzard of legal documents in an attempt to approximate marriage. In many cases, especially for younger couples together for less years, itīs just a matter of packing a few boxes, calling a friend with a truck and then setting a day for moving out.
I donīt mean in any way to ignore or diminish the devastating emotional impact that can sometimes accompany the end of a relationship. Thatīs there, and is often greatly significant for gays and straights alike. But gays do not have the added burden (if I can call it that) of legal threads to untangle and sever or (usually) of having to make decisions about child custody and visitation or having to worry about who gets the SUV and who gets the minivan. Well, maybe - and candidly, I have heard of a few gay breakups with custody disputes over the family pups, cats, birds or fish but all thatīs another matter entirely.
If you think about it, what presents the puzzlement is that gay couples, men and women, manage to sustain long term relationships at all under the negative circumstances created for them by our culture. Yet, in my own limited circle, my partner and I know several other monogamous couples together for 20 or more years. In moving about the country and hearing of other gay men and women, long term relationships of ten or more years are not all that unusual. Thatīs the surprise.
What we should be researching is not how gay relationships stack up against traditional heterosexual "marriage" but rather what is it that keeps same-sex couples together when they have little or none of the recognition or privileges associated with legal marriage. When they cannot share, without risk of harassment or attack, even a simple long goodbye kiss at an airport. When they cannot walk hand-in-hand in a park without being called names or threatened with bodily harm. When even the minimal display of public affection is interpreted as shoving their orientation down someoneīs throat. Where they might have to threaten their way into a hospital room just to be at the bedside of an ill partner. How is it that they stay together and overcome such barriers? Why do they stay together at all?
Seems to me we need to better understand what factors in gay relationships keeps them percolating along for so many years. Is there something gays do well that might translate into helping heterosexual couples? Iīd venture to say that if the anti-gay drum beaters were really serious about defending marriage, they might better spend the millions of dollars now used up in trying to mint "ex-gays" and go ahead and fund additional research into how it is that gay people stay together in the first place and just what kind of "family structures" they have that might shed light on why it is that so many straight marriages end in divorce.
One final comment on Cloudīs column. He observed at the end, somewhat sadly, that he felt he and his previous partner where still "friends" and apparently continued to see each other socially. This reality, found in other gay male relationships Iīve encountered, was one of my biggest curiosities when I first fully entered "the gay world". I discovered that many gay men, who had once been partners, lovers, long time companions or whatever (when they separate) somehow make a transition from those degrees of connection to "friend" and, oftentimes, friend for life. This seemed to be a major mechanism whereby gays build their circle of family and friends. I was astounded by this at first because, as you well know, in the straight world it seems that love has to be converted to hate before a divorce occurs. And after the divorce, even with kids, previous lovers often barely talk to one another. New straight friends of mine are still caught off guard when I tell them that my ex-wife and I are the best of friends. Itīs as if they expect we should be deadly enemies because we are divorced. Frankly, I think gay men and women are on to something that needs to be studied and studied till we understand how love and initial sexual involvement can lead to a bond that lasts a lifetime even when the "sex" part is no longer of interest to either party. We need to understand why it is that gays do not seem to use the defense mechanism of converting love to hate in order to emotionally deal with their soon to be "ex". Iīm curious about that. And maybe, just maybe, gays should take a second look at their drive for "gay-marriage". Is that goal really so desirable? Why parachute onto the deck of the Titanic?
While Cloud admits the heterosexual research is "abundant", he also concedes the scarceness and relative newness of studies dealing directly with homosexual pairs. In fact, he only notes two journal publications - one from Norway in 2006 and a 1998 article from the Journal of Marriage and the Family. Another "paper" by the same 1998 author in 2004 is quoted more extensively. He also draws on a study in pre-publication form (2003) from the Gottman Institute on marital relationships. I think Cloud may have misunderstood the numbers of "subjects" involved in this one and may have also erroneously concluded that the Gottman study actually included straight married couples. It did not. Dr. Gottman has done extensive heterosexual relationships research in the past and, in this one, was only comparing gay couples to his earlier work. According to the Gottman Institute website, his twelve year study of gay couples involved only 21 gay male and 21 lesbian couples who met certain rigid criteria no prior long term live in relationships, no children and couples had to be within the same age range. These restrictions (and others) plus the small number of participants leave all kinds of unanswered questions: questions about the usefulness of results (without a lot more investigation) and questions about how reliable his "results" can be when applied to the population at large.
Of course, it was not Cloudīs intent to critique the research. Nor will I go any further with it myself. If youīve read this far, Iīd rather not risk losing your attention by pushing ahead with some boring analysis. So, please stay with me a bit.
The main point I want to highlight is that all these "studies" - in most reported publications - seem to be comparing apples to oranges - and Iīm not talking about the gay-straight dichotomy. That is to say, they compare gay and lesbian couples "living together" in committed relationships to heterosexual "married" couples.
You know, as in "marriage" - that legal relationship status granting numerous (both state and federal) privileges and responsibilities. That damnably difficult and expensive to legally dissolve piece of paper. You know - "marriage" - that family thing the US Congress felt compelled to defend by passing into law a crappy piece of legislation known as the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) under the Clinton Administration in 1996. This īlaw" basically baring gays and lesbians from ever becoming "legally married" in this country. You know - "marriage"- that institution, in such bad need of "protection" that droves of evangelicals supposedly flocked to the polls casting ballots in favor of altering their state constitutions rather than risk letting gay people into the marriage club. In essence, they voted to keep gays outside in the relationship wilderness of just "living together." Marriage, that event that often takes place in June with much pomp and circumstance, the wearing of special clothing, the giving of rings, the exchange of "vows" and the wedding kiss, the cutting of cakes and the toss of flowers...all attended and witnessed by a happy, tearful and cheering crowd of family and friends.
Now I pose some questions for consideration: How do we stack all this "marriage" lore and culturally approved ritual and ceremony (not to mention the legal aspects)up against two men or women who meet, fall in love (or lust as the case may be) and end up spending five, ten or even fifty years together? Gay folks do this trick on a regular basis and most often without the benefits of family, church or cultural approval and sanction. With no reliance on the powerful bonding symbols of the straight marriage industry and without the legal ties that, letīs face it, sometimes keep straights in otherwise unsatisfactory marriages. How can we even begin to compare relationship dynamics under such unequal circumstances? If studies of this type have any hope of making real and useful contributions, they need to start by comparing gay couples to "unmarried" straight couples (not married ones!) in relationships of similar length.
I have some credentials here that John Cloud may not. I was in a heterosexual marriage for 23 years and have also spent 35 years counseling straight couples and married folk in a clinical psychological practice. I have had two long term gay relationships one bummer for five years and my present good one of almost twelve. None of this makes me an expert anymore than Cloudīs credentials in his seven year gay relationship does him. But, I do think it gives me a bit of an understanding edge he may yet age into. I know first hand about the dance of power between the sexes and more than a bit about the difficulties in establishing a male-male relationship and getting it beyond the falling-in-love stage to a time of being equally fulfilling and just "in-love". I wish I knew more of how same-sex female couples cope with relationships but at this point, I do not.
While Cloudīs article does not suggest we do this, keep in mind that holding heterosexual marriage as the gold standard against which to measure how to have and maintain long term relationships is a risky business. Depending on where you get your stats, the US divorce rate is no lower than 41% and possibly as high as 50% or more. Obviously, straight marriage is in deep doodoo of its own accord - without any regard to the question of letting gay people into the fold. So let's at least call a spade a spade.
But back to my point about the apples and oranges comparisons: It seems patently unfair and an unreliable tactic to compare and contrast gay couples living together through mutual consent and "married" straight couples -who may even sometimes wake up the morning after the wedding asking themselves "What the hell have I done?" but, none-the-less, stay together because of family, financial or other social pressures.
Letīs face it too....We all know of heterosexual relationships lasting 30 or more years that existed between two people who grew to hate each other but stayed together because of the force of legal marriage, or the fear of loss of income or property, or the influence of family (kids) or sometimes just plain old "inertia" till death did gratefully part them. Many heterosexual relationships probably should, by all good reason, end within the first five years but donīt because of "the kids" and/or other entanglements created by the legalities of the marriage contract. Can you imagine what the split-up rate would be for heterosexual couples if all they had to do when hitting a big emotional snag was to pack a suitcase and get a moving van?
When two gay men or women recognize that things arenīt working out or the relationship is not what they bargained for, while the separation may be emotional and painful, the logistics of "leaving" are most often fairly simple unless they have created a blizzard of legal documents in an attempt to approximate marriage. In many cases, especially for younger couples together for less years, itīs just a matter of packing a few boxes, calling a friend with a truck and then setting a day for moving out.
I donīt mean in any way to ignore or diminish the devastating emotional impact that can sometimes accompany the end of a relationship. Thatīs there, and is often greatly significant for gays and straights alike. But gays do not have the added burden (if I can call it that) of legal threads to untangle and sever or (usually) of having to make decisions about child custody and visitation or having to worry about who gets the SUV and who gets the minivan. Well, maybe - and candidly, I have heard of a few gay breakups with custody disputes over the family pups, cats, birds or fish but all thatīs another matter entirely.
If you think about it, what presents the puzzlement is that gay couples, men and women, manage to sustain long term relationships at all under the negative circumstances created for them by our culture. Yet, in my own limited circle, my partner and I know several other monogamous couples together for 20 or more years. In moving about the country and hearing of other gay men and women, long term relationships of ten or more years are not all that unusual. Thatīs the surprise.
What we should be researching is not how gay relationships stack up against traditional heterosexual "marriage" but rather what is it that keeps same-sex couples together when they have little or none of the recognition or privileges associated with legal marriage. When they cannot share, without risk of harassment or attack, even a simple long goodbye kiss at an airport. When they cannot walk hand-in-hand in a park without being called names or threatened with bodily harm. When even the minimal display of public affection is interpreted as shoving their orientation down someoneīs throat. Where they might have to threaten their way into a hospital room just to be at the bedside of an ill partner. How is it that they stay together and overcome such barriers? Why do they stay together at all?
Seems to me we need to better understand what factors in gay relationships keeps them percolating along for so many years. Is there something gays do well that might translate into helping heterosexual couples? Iīd venture to say that if the anti-gay drum beaters were really serious about defending marriage, they might better spend the millions of dollars now used up in trying to mint "ex-gays" and go ahead and fund additional research into how it is that gay people stay together in the first place and just what kind of "family structures" they have that might shed light on why it is that so many straight marriages end in divorce.
One final comment on Cloudīs column. He observed at the end, somewhat sadly, that he felt he and his previous partner where still "friends" and apparently continued to see each other socially. This reality, found in other gay male relationships Iīve encountered, was one of my biggest curiosities when I first fully entered "the gay world". I discovered that many gay men, who had once been partners, lovers, long time companions or whatever (when they separate) somehow make a transition from those degrees of connection to "friend" and, oftentimes, friend for life. This seemed to be a major mechanism whereby gays build their circle of family and friends. I was astounded by this at first because, as you well know, in the straight world it seems that love has to be converted to hate before a divorce occurs. And after the divorce, even with kids, previous lovers often barely talk to one another. New straight friends of mine are still caught off guard when I tell them that my ex-wife and I are the best of friends. Itīs as if they expect we should be deadly enemies because we are divorced. Frankly, I think gay men and women are on to something that needs to be studied and studied till we understand how love and initial sexual involvement can lead to a bond that lasts a lifetime even when the "sex" part is no longer of interest to either party. We need to understand why it is that gays do not seem to use the defense mechanism of converting love to hate in order to emotionally deal with their soon to be "ex". Iīm curious about that. And maybe, just maybe, gays should take a second look at their drive for "gay-marriage". Is that goal really so desirable? Why parachute onto the deck of the Titanic?