Global warming changes states’ identity: now who’s first in the nation?
Dan Brawner
September 26, 2007
As goes Iowa, so goes the nation. Traditionally, this has been true in many things: family values, presidential preferences, rates of obesity. But Iowa has long been out of step with its weather. It’s too cold in the winter, too hot in the summer. And the other two seasons have been too short to matter much. Until this year. The 2007 weather in Iowa has been eerily nice. And it has other states worried.
Especially Florida. Once thought to have a monopoly on predictably pleasant weather, this year, Florida was surprised to find that if global warming continues, it might no longer be first in the nation. Tropical storms and too much rain are making tourists and residents suddenly yearn for a better deal. State climatologists in Florida are crying “foul!” that Iowa started its spring so early this year and has threatened to move up the beginning of spring to the end of February. We have a right to America’s best weather, they argue. It’s always been that way. It retaliation, Iowa has threatened to move the start of its winter back two weeks.
Now Michigan smells fear in Florida and has promised good weather for all those Bermuda-shorts-wearing refugees from New Jersey usually looking for a good time in Miami. Michigan’s new advertising campaign entices tourists, saying, “Come to Michigan. The polar ice caps are melting! We have fewer mosquitoes than Florida. There’s no work here, but you can buy a pretty nice house for around $600.”
Nevada is closing in fast. They claim their state most closely represents the true climate of America. It’s harsh, hot, windy and there’s no water. Just the way God intended. Plus, now, it will always be known as the place where O. J. was finally captured.
California can’t understand why anybody would rather be in Iowa. Weather in California is perfect. It’s what fills up their freeways and shopping malls and makes a plywood beach house worth $2 million. But if Iowa and Michigan and New Hampshire start horning in on the nice weather business, it could make California irrelevant. Something has to be done.
Before they start growing avocados in Des Moines and holding bikini contests in Buffalo, somebody has to say enough is enough. Okay, maybe the climate is changing and it’s harder to tell the nice weather states from the places where you’d would only stop if your transmission goes out. But in the interest of civilization, let’s all pretend it’s still the way it used to be. We can quietly enjoy our lovely September in Iowa. And let Florida keep all those folks in their Bermuda shorts.
Especially Florida. Once thought to have a monopoly on predictably pleasant weather, this year, Florida was surprised to find that if global warming continues, it might no longer be first in the nation. Tropical storms and too much rain are making tourists and residents suddenly yearn for a better deal. State climatologists in Florida are crying “foul!” that Iowa started its spring so early this year and has threatened to move up the beginning of spring to the end of February. We have a right to America’s best weather, they argue. It’s always been that way. It retaliation, Iowa has threatened to move the start of its winter back two weeks.
Now Michigan smells fear in Florida and has promised good weather for all those Bermuda-shorts-wearing refugees from New Jersey usually looking for a good time in Miami. Michigan’s new advertising campaign entices tourists, saying, “Come to Michigan. The polar ice caps are melting! We have fewer mosquitoes than Florida. There’s no work here, but you can buy a pretty nice house for around $600.”
Nevada is closing in fast. They claim their state most closely represents the true climate of America. It’s harsh, hot, windy and there’s no water. Just the way God intended. Plus, now, it will always be known as the place where O. J. was finally captured.
California can’t understand why anybody would rather be in Iowa. Weather in California is perfect. It’s what fills up their freeways and shopping malls and makes a plywood beach house worth $2 million. But if Iowa and Michigan and New Hampshire start horning in on the nice weather business, it could make California irrelevant. Something has to be done.
Before they start growing avocados in Des Moines and holding bikini contests in Buffalo, somebody has to say enough is enough. Okay, maybe the climate is changing and it’s harder to tell the nice weather states from the places where you’d would only stop if your transmission goes out. But in the interest of civilization, let’s all pretend it’s still the way it used to be. We can quietly enjoy our lovely September in Iowa. And let Florida keep all those folks in their Bermuda shorts.