From UFO’s– to Gonzales– to phantom gas–to a robber impersonating a tree, Americans are clueless
Dan Brawner
July 10, 2007
We live in interesting times–that is, we might realize we were living in interesting times if only we were paying attention. For example, the Washington Post just reported that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had received a report describing in detail abuses of the Patriot Act by the FBI six days before he testified to Congress that the Patriot Act should be renewed because there had been no abuses. If true, this would be a criminal offense and would likely result in Gonzales being removed from office and disbarred. A Justice Department spokesman suggested that maybe the Attorney General hadn’t read the report of abuses before he testified.
That could be. Or maybe Gonzales read them but just couldn’t recall having read them. Or maybe he read them and recalled them but when he testified before Congress, he had his fingers crossed. So, in any case, it’s okay.
In a related story, a New Hampshire man, disguised as a tree, recently tried to rob a bank. Police said that James Coldwell, 49, strolled into a Manchester bank with leafy branches duct taped to his head, walked up to the teller and demanded cash. In spite of the fact that Coldwell did not display a weapon, the robbery was considered a daring and risky act. Police Sgt. Ernie Goodno said of the thief, “He really went out on a limb.” (Yes, he actually said that).
Many questions remain, such as, why didn’t security officers at the Manchester bank suspect something irregular when Coldwell sauntered in, looking for all the world like a brush pile with eyes? I mean, you don’t have to have the deductive reasoning of Sherlock Holmes to figure out that this guy was not your average depositor.
And what was the teller thinking–that Coldwell was some tree-hugging, greener-than-thou global warming nut, raising money for Al Gore?
Why didn’t the bank lock the doors and keep Coldwell from getting away with the money? Well, he didn’t exactly get away. It turns out, the would-be robber failed to tape enough leaves to his head and somebody recognized and turned him in.
If you think you’re paying too much at the gas pump these days, it seems that some of what you’re buying is air. That’s right. With fuel prices topping $3.50 a gallon, this summer Americans will be paying $1.5 billion for gas we never get. This is because gasoline is sold by volume based on a standard temperature of 60 degrees F. As gas gets warmer, it conveniently and profitably for oil companies, expands by about one percent. According to the staff report by the Domestic Policy Reform Committee to the House of Representatives, this summer we will buy 513.8 million gallons of gasoline that does not exist.
In another related news story, this month over 35,000 people flocked to Roswell, New Mexico for the UFO festival, commemorating the supposed space ship landing at the site in 1947. Participants wore “alien” costumes and carried banners demanding that NASA tell them the truth about UFO’s and where they are hiding the little green men. Because, hey, it’s not like anybody can pull the wool over our eyes.
That could be. Or maybe Gonzales read them but just couldn’t recall having read them. Or maybe he read them and recalled them but when he testified before Congress, he had his fingers crossed. So, in any case, it’s okay.
In a related story, a New Hampshire man, disguised as a tree, recently tried to rob a bank. Police said that James Coldwell, 49, strolled into a Manchester bank with leafy branches duct taped to his head, walked up to the teller and demanded cash. In spite of the fact that Coldwell did not display a weapon, the robbery was considered a daring and risky act. Police Sgt. Ernie Goodno said of the thief, “He really went out on a limb.” (Yes, he actually said that).
Many questions remain, such as, why didn’t security officers at the Manchester bank suspect something irregular when Coldwell sauntered in, looking for all the world like a brush pile with eyes? I mean, you don’t have to have the deductive reasoning of Sherlock Holmes to figure out that this guy was not your average depositor.
And what was the teller thinking–that Coldwell was some tree-hugging, greener-than-thou global warming nut, raising money for Al Gore?
Why didn’t the bank lock the doors and keep Coldwell from getting away with the money? Well, he didn’t exactly get away. It turns out, the would-be robber failed to tape enough leaves to his head and somebody recognized and turned him in.
If you think you’re paying too much at the gas pump these days, it seems that some of what you’re buying is air. That’s right. With fuel prices topping $3.50 a gallon, this summer Americans will be paying $1.5 billion for gas we never get. This is because gasoline is sold by volume based on a standard temperature of 60 degrees F. As gas gets warmer, it conveniently and profitably for oil companies, expands by about one percent. According to the staff report by the Domestic Policy Reform Committee to the House of Representatives, this summer we will buy 513.8 million gallons of gasoline that does not exist.
In another related news story, this month over 35,000 people flocked to Roswell, New Mexico for the UFO festival, commemorating the supposed space ship landing at the site in 1947. Participants wore “alien” costumes and carried banners demanding that NASA tell them the truth about UFO’s and where they are hiding the little green men. Because, hey, it’s not like anybody can pull the wool over our eyes.