THE JOHN EDWARDS RUN N' CUT -- NEITHER HAIR NOR THERE?

(Originally titled: YOU CAN'T GET THERE FROM HAIR)

We've come a long way, babies, since I sat squirming on the little boy's porcelain pony seat at the tonsorial parlor for my bimonthly rake crew cut, AKA "The Flattop."

The rake crew cut/flattop sounds like what it was: a long, multi-pronged instrument was placed on the head, and the barber cut off whatever stuck through the prongs. End of haircut, except for the neck shavings which seemed to linger and irritate under every shirt collar until the next visit.

The total cost for the outing was $1.50, including tip, which didn't include the bonus descending pony spin-ride which I later tried to recreate on a real pony. That afforded me one of my most memorable early life lessons: A porcelain pony won't send you flying into the puckerbrush when you yank on it.

It was also the end of my journey, pardners, down the equestrian machismo trail.

Today, I spend twenty dollars for a haircut in these thar hills, including tip. Of course, the barbershop is now a "salon," the barber a "hair stylist," and the porcelain pony has long since joined the Slinky and the Hula Hoop as low-tech childhood amusements.

When the John Edwards camp recently revealed that the Senator had paid four hundred dollars for a haircut, (twice) it pricked up the long-gone shavings on the back of my neck, and I'm now faced with another dilemma delivered in today's mail: a request for donations to the Edwards For President campaign.

Will I, should I, pony up the dough? Here's where I'll turn to this readership for guidance:

I've met John Edwards. I donated to his last campaign and voted for him. I still believe he would make a fine President. But, I can't, in all good one-horse town conscience, get over this. If you'll take note of the picture at the top of this article, you'll see your host and the distinguished former Senator. Please, take a moment and compare heads.

Do you see a three-hundred seventy-five dollar difference? I'm talking style, not content. I could never be elected President, for two reasons:

1. I refuse to wear a tie.

2. I was born in another country, then delivered here by Gypsies, or so Mother Pauline always told me.

Yes, I now learn that Joseph Torrenueva, the Senator's "stylist," did charge $250.00 above his customary billing of $150.00, because he traveled to meet him on the campaign. I'll concede that just the peril these days of trying to pass scissors and razors through an airport scanner alone might offset some of that expense.

Still, the negative political mileage that eight hundred dollars' worth of trims has generated may well have snipped this second Presidential bid in the bud. Republicans are already using it as fair game, and you can bet, should the Edwards campaign rise to the top, that the "I Feel Pretty" video will run ad nauseam.

Candidates have been sunk over lesser bunglings. Let's not forget the last election, when a former Vermont governor's "I Have A Scream" speech knocked him out of the rodeo. One Yeehaw later, and all anyone could envision was a mad Slim Pickens on a bullriding bomb run.

I never understood that fallout, because we later elected Slim Pickens, anyway.

But, this is personal, for me. Sure, Hillary Clinton last year paid $2,500.00 for "two hairstyling sessions," that were listed as "media production expenses," but Hillary is a woman, and for some reason, a woman spending that much money on her hair sounds like a bargain to me.

I don't mean to split hairs over this, but here I am looking at a pledge card for the John Edwards campaign. There is a $100.00 checkbox on it. Should I opt-in, send him the money and grow my hair, or keep the money and set it aside for five haircuts, which will do me well into 2008?

In fact, at my average of one cut every three months, I'd be tapping out my coiffure account right around Election Day.

Either way, cut or run, come November of '08, it's a familiar pony tale ....

All best,

El

Copyright 2004 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved.