When a Brother or Sister Dies: Important Book by Author Claire Berman Validates Grief

If your brother or sister has died, you know the depths of grief experienced with the loss of a sibling. The grief is significant as the loss of a sibling can prevent you from finding a way to move forward. It can be all consuming and yet it is a grief that is oftentimes ignored.

Author Claire Berman has a heightened awareness of sibling loss as she shares her story about losing her sister, Sybil, during the same week of the attack on the World Trade Center. In her book, "When a Brother or Sister Dies: Looking Back, Moving Forward," Berman shares many voices and experiences of people losing siblings. It makes the reader realize that he or she is not alone in their grief. Through this book you gain complete validation. Losing a sibling matters and you are entitled to your grief.

From the moment I met Berman in New York City, I knew she was sincere in helping other people who had experienced the loss of a sibling. She told me how her sister, Sybil, had died. She explained how her world changed forever. I told her how my sister, Diane, had died and how my life changed forever because of her funeral. We exchanged stories, but most importantly, we validated each other's pain.

I will never forget watching my sister die. And, I will never forget her funeral that did not fully honor her wishes.

When I flew home to California after my sister's funeral, I will also never forget what happened next. A friend from church took me aside and asked, "So, your sister died?" I started to explain and she cut me off by asking, "So, what else is new?"

I was deep in grief, unable to function, and mourning alone. My friend didn't care that my sister had died. She made it clear that it was ONLY my sister who had died and other trivial news was far more important. My friend quickly became my FORMER friend.

My world stopped with my sister's death and at every turn no one seemed to validate that loss. Not even my spouse wanted to hear about my sister's death or how I was feeling. It was as though no one had died. But, someone significant had died. Diane was like a second mother to me. She was an enormous part of my history and she was supporting me in pursuing my future goals.

"When a Brother or Sister Dies" is a book that I desperately needed in 2004 when my sister died. Without this book, I had to find my own way out of the darkness.

Like no author before, Berman recognizes the pain associated with the death of an adult sibling. With every turn of the page, a peace comes over you because for the first time you are no longer alone. Your feelings are real and your grief is validated.

"When a Brother or Sister Dies" delivers on many levels for someone who has experienced the death a sibling. In a comprehensive approach, Berman interviews specialists and real people who have lost siblings.

This subject begs an important question: Why haven't more books been written about losing a sibling? The answer emerges from the book itself. Few people consider the death of a sibling as significant as the loss of a child or the loss of a parent.

Grief is different for everyone and for far too long, people have been comparing losses and rating them in levels of importance. "Oh, it's only his brother who died. It's not like it was his son."

The greatest loss we experience during our lifetime will be different for each one of us. We may die before our children, but lose a spouse. We may die before our parents, but lose a sibling. We may die before our siblings, but lose a child. Clearly, the losses we experience will by life's design be diverse. No one should judge one person's loss against the next. Instead, we should listen to each other and be willing to be present in their lives while they are mourning.

Listening is the most powerful tool in helping someone start the healing process. In fact, sharing our losses and life stories with each other seems to help. Talking about it is so very important. Berman reinforces this time and time again with every story shared throughout the book. As Berman takes the reader on a journey through many lives and deaths, the exploration of each sibling reaction to a death delivers unexpected comfort. The grief we experience when a brother or sister dies is normal, even if it is unattended grief or completely ignored by those around us. By sharing a variety of stories, Berman has a way of comforting the uncomforted. In reading every possible scenario of sibling loss, we realize that we are not alone.

For the first year after my sister's death, I wanted to pick up the phone and call her. I had to stop myself with a reminder that she was gone. From page one of "When a Brother or Sister Dies," I was reminded of that fact. It was something I told no one because no one wanted to listen to my pain. Everyone expected me to get over my sister's death. You never "get over it," because grief is different for everyone. If you're fortunate, you will find a way to move forward in a productive way and deal with the grief that comes in waves.

If you find yourself stuck in your grief, take a step forward and read this book as a starting point.

By the end of the book, I could openly admit that no one will ever replace my sister but I think of her every day. Love never ends and like millions of other people who have lost a brother or sister, I will love my sister and miss her for the rest of my days. In moving forward, she remains a part of my mission in helping families in funeral service.

As I was driving home from meeting a family recently, I took a turn to take the longer route home and drive by the ocean. I was unsettled by this death as the grief was consuming. I looked toward the ocean for answers in nature. What I found were the changing waters of the Pacific. Every wave was different coming into shore. It reminded me that every life is different, every death is different, and every journey in grief is different. It was not my job to take on everyone's grief, but it was my job in the funeral to validate the significance of the loss and share life stories. In the end, every life story matters, including the lives of our siblings.

For more information about author Claire Berman visit http://claireberman.com.

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