Print ArticleDespite knowing that it is impossible to please others all the time, so great is the desire to be liked and accepted by our peers, many of us burn ourselves out trying to help others.
" I have to admit. Iīm my own worst enemy," admitted Ruth, an overworked financial analyst for a top mutual fund. "When someone asks for help, I just donīt know how to say no and now I am taking on more than I can handle."
It is a scenario that is played out in virtually every small or large corporation and household in the country. It is an admirable trait wanting to help others but it inevitably leads to burn out and resentment of the helper.
So what do you do if a workmate or friend comes to you asking for help and you are fully engaged in important work of your own?
"Just stand up for yourself and say no," preach many business and communication consultants.
But to me the people who have trouble saying no donīt feel comfortable being so assertive. And having not been used to being assertive, they are unlikely to be all that effective at it. I have found that these attempts at being assertive are often perceived by their peers as being overtly aggressive or rude which creates unwanted disharmony.
If you have trouble saying no, you donīt have to suddenly transform yourself into an assertive 4-star general. You still want to be your kind helpful self but you donīt want to become overloaded helping others with their work and you donīt want to be taken for granted. Once you have completed your work and you have time to spare, you would be happy to help others.
If you donīt like saying no or you donīt know how to say, "No," then donīt say, "No." Say "Yes."
Hereīs how
When someone asks for your help finishing a certain project, you can reply, "Yes, I would love to help you with that. And I will be able to help you with that in 45 minutes (or however long you think it will take for you to complete your duties) when I have completed this."
Now this is the important part.
The tendency is for the person wanting help to say, "Thanks." and then proceed to dump the paperwork on your desk and then go off and come back and get it later. In the book The One Minute Manager Meets The Monkey (a must read), they explain that this is like someone with a monkey on their back passing the monkey (i.e. responsibility) to you to look after. DO NOT EVER LET THIS HAPPEN. Do not ever look after someone elseīs monkey.
As they attempt to hand the paperwork (or monkey) to you here is what you say as you are handing it back to the rightful owner
"Just so I can help you as soon as possible, I will need for you to hang on to this (i.e. they keep responsibility) until I come and get you (you arrange to get them so you are not interrupted consistently). I need to focus solely on this so I can help you as soon as I can."
To help you maintain your word, set an alarm on your phone or watch for the time that you said that you would get them. If completing your current task takes longer than expected (i.e. the alarm goes off before you finish), you can call them and clarify when you expect to finish. For example you could say:
"John, I just want to let you know that I havenīt forgotten you. I should be finished in about 20 minutes. Iīll see you then."
What you will find is when you make others aware of the duties that you need to complete they will become more considerate and value your time and effort. If the other persons task is that urgent you often find that by the time you get around to helping them, they have already worked out a solution to the problem.
" I have to admit. Iīm my own worst enemy," admitted Ruth, an overworked financial analyst for a top mutual fund. "When someone asks for help, I just donīt know how to say no and now I am taking on more than I can handle."
It is a scenario that is played out in virtually every small or large corporation and household in the country. It is an admirable trait wanting to help others but it inevitably leads to burn out and resentment of the helper.
So what do you do if a workmate or friend comes to you asking for help and you are fully engaged in important work of your own?
"Just stand up for yourself and say no," preach many business and communication consultants.
But to me the people who have trouble saying no donīt feel comfortable being so assertive. And having not been used to being assertive, they are unlikely to be all that effective at it. I have found that these attempts at being assertive are often perceived by their peers as being overtly aggressive or rude which creates unwanted disharmony.
If you have trouble saying no, you donīt have to suddenly transform yourself into an assertive 4-star general. You still want to be your kind helpful self but you donīt want to become overloaded helping others with their work and you donīt want to be taken for granted. Once you have completed your work and you have time to spare, you would be happy to help others.
If you donīt like saying no or you donīt know how to say, "No," then donīt say, "No." Say "Yes."
Hereīs how
When someone asks for your help finishing a certain project, you can reply, "Yes, I would love to help you with that. And I will be able to help you with that in 45 minutes (or however long you think it will take for you to complete your duties) when I have completed this."
Now this is the important part.
The tendency is for the person wanting help to say, "Thanks." and then proceed to dump the paperwork on your desk and then go off and come back and get it later. In the book The One Minute Manager Meets The Monkey (a must read), they explain that this is like someone with a monkey on their back passing the monkey (i.e. responsibility) to you to look after. DO NOT EVER LET THIS HAPPEN. Do not ever look after someone elseīs monkey.
As they attempt to hand the paperwork (or monkey) to you here is what you say as you are handing it back to the rightful owner
"Just so I can help you as soon as possible, I will need for you to hang on to this (i.e. they keep responsibility) until I come and get you (you arrange to get them so you are not interrupted consistently). I need to focus solely on this so I can help you as soon as I can."
To help you maintain your word, set an alarm on your phone or watch for the time that you said that you would get them. If completing your current task takes longer than expected (i.e. the alarm goes off before you finish), you can call them and clarify when you expect to finish. For example you could say:
"John, I just want to let you know that I havenīt forgotten you. I should be finished in about 20 minutes. Iīll see you then."
What you will find is when you make others aware of the duties that you need to complete they will become more considerate and value your time and effort. If the other persons task is that urgent you often find that by the time you get around to helping them, they have already worked out a solution to the problem.
view author's RSS feed
