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Zinnia Cyclamen isn't her real name, but that doesn't matter to any of her readers. Her natural ability to write from the heart connects with a following of readers all over the world.
She has an important reason for using a pseudonym as she helps grieving families create meaningful funeral services through her work as a non-religious Funeral Celebrant. She has been a Humanist Celebrant for more than 10 years.
"I have been very careful about protecting my identity," Zinnia explains, "primarily to protect the identities of the families and professionals I work with and write about."
Her biggest reward in helping a family is being able to offer practical and emotional help when it's badly needed.
"Families often say to me, at the end of a meeting, that they had been dreading the planning process because it seemed so complicated, but I've made it easy for them. I find the family meetings much more memorable than the services," Zinnia admits.
But one service stands out.
"I will never forget the one I did for a pre-term baby," Zinnia says.
Zinnia exposes the raw emotion that Celebrants face through entries on her blog. She marked her first entry about the service for the baby, "A Really Hard One."
It turned out that the service was for a late termination of pregnancy at 27 weeks due to multiple disability. Zinnia explains in her post how she "cannot find it in my heart to judge this young couple." The responses from readers were overwhelmingly supportive.
As Zinnia worked with the family, more of the story was exposed on her blog. The baby had a hole in her heart and part of her brain was missing. The decision to terminate the pregnancy was heartbreaking.
The young couple had chosen songs for the funeral service and made the decision to bring their baby in a little white coffin in their own car instead of in a hearse. Zinnia labeled this post appropriately with one word: Heartache.
As Zinnia carries us through the story, you can't help but shed tears. The way she unfolds the story, her blog reads like a novel. But, you are constantly reminded that this is reality, the real world.
In Zinnia's Preparation posting, she willingly carries the reader through the Celebrant process as she weaves the baby's story into the service. Giving her readers a moment to grieve, she offers the day of the funeral. Reading this final posting with the description of the father carrying the tiny white coffin from the car is an emotional journey. Zinnia has a unique way of comforting her readers as she comforts a family. She shares the most personal details, even the tearful eulogy read by the young father as he explains how the couple made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. Her blog offers closure even for the reader who didn't know this family. In the end, you realize this child was loved.
Sharing the inner workings of Celebrant work is valuable to everyone who will ever organize a funeral for a loved one. Connecting with strangers on the Internet and making them feel a range of emotions while offering an understanding of the work involved in funeral planning is a true gift.
Another memorable service she conducted, Zinnia describes as "a double-act with a vicar." While she doesn't conduct religious services, she is willing to share a service that represents both religious and non-religious beliefs.
The vicar was humorous in his exchange and unexpectedly, he hoped to learn something from her about helping the family. Willing to work together, this story had readers hooked.
When Zinnia and the vicar meet with the family, it is clear they're both serving the family. When the family asks if they can see the draft script before the service, Zinnia responds with a comforting "Of course you can," in a true sense of collaboration. In sharing the day of the funeral, "the ceremony itself was smooth and seamless." Again, Zinnia comforts her readers by taking each one by the hand through the process of the family meeting to the final service.
Zinnia once conducted a brief service with only one song for Evelyn, whose son died from a drug overdose. The blog entry is a compelling read, but as a Celebrant, Zinnia clearly puts each family first.
"It wasn't hard for me as I didn't know the young man who had died," Zinnia notes. "It fitted the needs of the chief mourner – his mother – and she was my primary concern. I did worry about whether it met the needs of the wider congregation. I suspect not. I do try to balance the needs of all mourners, as far as I can, but I have to give first priority to the family's wishes."
If you think Zinnia's blog is intriguing, the reactions and notes written by her readers are equally as interesting. So interesting, she reads all of her responses.
"I answer them all. I post every Monday, so I answer the previous week's comments then, and I answer emails in between."
Three things that stir Zinnia's heart also make her a compassionate, understanding Celebrant.
1. True communication, without sentimentality, between people.
2. Authentic human experience expressed through music, writing or drama.
3. Achievement despite adversity.
When it comes to funeral planning, Zinnia honestly admits she has never organized a funeral for a loved one. But, she does have ideas about what works for families.
1. First, I would say take your time finding a funeral director, don't just pick someone out of the phone book or because they have an office nearby. Ask around for recommendations. Make sure they're a member of an industry body with a code of practice – here in the UK, for example, we have the National Association of Funeral Directors and the National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors. In fact it would be helpful to take this step before anyone close to you dies, so you won't have to worry about it at the time.
2. Make lists. Lists are your friends. You are newly bereaved and probably not thinking clearly much of the time. If you write lists as you go along – a list of jobs to do (maybe divided into e.g. domestic and external), a list of people to call, a list of decisions that need making, a shopping list, and so on – you won't forget anything.
3. Accept help when it's offered. People are often anxious to help but don't know what to do. Use your lists to find jobs for friends and family. If someone offers to help, don't be afraid to ask them to pick up your groceries or do odd jobs around the house (depending on their skills and abilities, of course). They will be glad to contribute, and it will take some of the pressure off you.
4. Think 'one step at a time'. Often the feeling of being overwhelmed comes when you try to get your head around the whole of everything that you have to achieve, manage, oversee. Again, lists can help here: look at your lists and work out what must be done today, then focus on that, one task at a time.
5. Remember that whatever you feel, it's OK to feel that feeling. There are no rules about grieving: some people weep like waterfalls, others are numb for weeks. You can't always act on every feeling. For example, your parent/partner/child may annoy you so much you want to slap them, but of course you can't do that. It's still true that feeling the anger is not wrong, you just need to find a positive way to channel it (cleaning usually works for me). Give yourself the space you need to grieve in the way you need to grieve, and don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong. There is no 'wrong'.
With more families requesting a more personal approach in funerals, the Celebrant movement is growing in Britain.
"The British Humanist Association (BHA) is a long-standing charity that, about 20 years ago, established a national Ceremonies Network with a range of accredited celebrants conducting thousands of funerals, weddings, civil partnerships, baby namings and other ceremonies each year. Civil Ceremonies Ltd is a private company, established in 2002, that offers training for aspiring celebrants. Registrars – local government employees – have conducted civil weddings for decades, and are beginning to expand into funerals. And, as the celebrant industry is not yet regulated, there are also independent celebrants working in many areas."
Zinnia is definitely a wonderful writer, whose work is worth reading. She completely captivates her audience with every word, knowing how to allow a story to arc naturally. Whether a heartbreaking turn or a humorous honest moment, such as the blog entitled "The Vicar's Knickers", she makes you want to read more entries on her blog.
Through it all, she makes talking about death seem acceptable. So, with all of the funeral planning for other people, it begs the question: does Zinnia have her own funeral planned?
"No, just the music – including two religious pieces, which might seem odd as I am not a believer, but it just goes to show that the Devil did not get all the best tunes," Zinnia says. "I think my legacy will come from my writing, as people will still be able to read that after I'm dead – whether it's a funeral script, a blog post, an email, an article or a book. I would like my writing to continue to offer people help, comfort, amusement, and food for thought."
For Celebrants, they have to find a way to decompress after conducting a funeral service.
"I like to be at home with my beloved Top Bloke, sharing a tasty home-cooked meal, a bottle of good red wine, some chat and," Zinnia adds, "some hugs."
For an ongoing intriguing read, bookmark Zinnia Cyclamen's blog at http://realefun.blogspot.com.
She has an important reason for using a pseudonym as she helps grieving families create meaningful funeral services through her work as a non-religious Funeral Celebrant. She has been a Humanist Celebrant for more than 10 years.
"I have been very careful about protecting my identity," Zinnia explains, "primarily to protect the identities of the families and professionals I work with and write about."
Her biggest reward in helping a family is being able to offer practical and emotional help when it's badly needed.
"Families often say to me, at the end of a meeting, that they had been dreading the planning process because it seemed so complicated, but I've made it easy for them. I find the family meetings much more memorable than the services," Zinnia admits.
But one service stands out.
"I will never forget the one I did for a pre-term baby," Zinnia says.
Zinnia exposes the raw emotion that Celebrants face through entries on her blog. She marked her first entry about the service for the baby, "A Really Hard One."
It turned out that the service was for a late termination of pregnancy at 27 weeks due to multiple disability. Zinnia explains in her post how she "cannot find it in my heart to judge this young couple." The responses from readers were overwhelmingly supportive.
As Zinnia worked with the family, more of the story was exposed on her blog. The baby had a hole in her heart and part of her brain was missing. The decision to terminate the pregnancy was heartbreaking.
The young couple had chosen songs for the funeral service and made the decision to bring their baby in a little white coffin in their own car instead of in a hearse. Zinnia labeled this post appropriately with one word: Heartache.
As Zinnia carries us through the story, you can't help but shed tears. The way she unfolds the story, her blog reads like a novel. But, you are constantly reminded that this is reality, the real world.
In Zinnia's Preparation posting, she willingly carries the reader through the Celebrant process as she weaves the baby's story into the service. Giving her readers a moment to grieve, she offers the day of the funeral. Reading this final posting with the description of the father carrying the tiny white coffin from the car is an emotional journey. Zinnia has a unique way of comforting her readers as she comforts a family. She shares the most personal details, even the tearful eulogy read by the young father as he explains how the couple made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. Her blog offers closure even for the reader who didn't know this family. In the end, you realize this child was loved.
Sharing the inner workings of Celebrant work is valuable to everyone who will ever organize a funeral for a loved one. Connecting with strangers on the Internet and making them feel a range of emotions while offering an understanding of the work involved in funeral planning is a true gift.
Another memorable service she conducted, Zinnia describes as "a double-act with a vicar." While she doesn't conduct religious services, she is willing to share a service that represents both religious and non-religious beliefs.
The vicar was humorous in his exchange and unexpectedly, he hoped to learn something from her about helping the family. Willing to work together, this story had readers hooked.
When Zinnia and the vicar meet with the family, it is clear they're both serving the family. When the family asks if they can see the draft script before the service, Zinnia responds with a comforting "Of course you can," in a true sense of collaboration. In sharing the day of the funeral, "the ceremony itself was smooth and seamless." Again, Zinnia comforts her readers by taking each one by the hand through the process of the family meeting to the final service.
Zinnia once conducted a brief service with only one song for Evelyn, whose son died from a drug overdose. The blog entry is a compelling read, but as a Celebrant, Zinnia clearly puts each family first.
"It wasn't hard for me as I didn't know the young man who had died," Zinnia notes. "It fitted the needs of the chief mourner – his mother – and she was my primary concern. I did worry about whether it met the needs of the wider congregation. I suspect not. I do try to balance the needs of all mourners, as far as I can, but I have to give first priority to the family's wishes."
If you think Zinnia's blog is intriguing, the reactions and notes written by her readers are equally as interesting. So interesting, she reads all of her responses.
"I answer them all. I post every Monday, so I answer the previous week's comments then, and I answer emails in between."
Three things that stir Zinnia's heart also make her a compassionate, understanding Celebrant.
1. True communication, without sentimentality, between people.
2. Authentic human experience expressed through music, writing or drama.
3. Achievement despite adversity.
When it comes to funeral planning, Zinnia honestly admits she has never organized a funeral for a loved one. But, she does have ideas about what works for families.
1. First, I would say take your time finding a funeral director, don't just pick someone out of the phone book or because they have an office nearby. Ask around for recommendations. Make sure they're a member of an industry body with a code of practice – here in the UK, for example, we have the National Association of Funeral Directors and the National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors. In fact it would be helpful to take this step before anyone close to you dies, so you won't have to worry about it at the time.
2. Make lists. Lists are your friends. You are newly bereaved and probably not thinking clearly much of the time. If you write lists as you go along – a list of jobs to do (maybe divided into e.g. domestic and external), a list of people to call, a list of decisions that need making, a shopping list, and so on – you won't forget anything.
3. Accept help when it's offered. People are often anxious to help but don't know what to do. Use your lists to find jobs for friends and family. If someone offers to help, don't be afraid to ask them to pick up your groceries or do odd jobs around the house (depending on their skills and abilities, of course). They will be glad to contribute, and it will take some of the pressure off you.
4. Think 'one step at a time'. Often the feeling of being overwhelmed comes when you try to get your head around the whole of everything that you have to achieve, manage, oversee. Again, lists can help here: look at your lists and work out what must be done today, then focus on that, one task at a time.
5. Remember that whatever you feel, it's OK to feel that feeling. There are no rules about grieving: some people weep like waterfalls, others are numb for weeks. You can't always act on every feeling. For example, your parent/partner/child may annoy you so much you want to slap them, but of course you can't do that. It's still true that feeling the anger is not wrong, you just need to find a positive way to channel it (cleaning usually works for me). Give yourself the space you need to grieve in the way you need to grieve, and don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong. There is no 'wrong'.
With more families requesting a more personal approach in funerals, the Celebrant movement is growing in Britain.
"The British Humanist Association (BHA) is a long-standing charity that, about 20 years ago, established a national Ceremonies Network with a range of accredited celebrants conducting thousands of funerals, weddings, civil partnerships, baby namings and other ceremonies each year. Civil Ceremonies Ltd is a private company, established in 2002, that offers training for aspiring celebrants. Registrars – local government employees – have conducted civil weddings for decades, and are beginning to expand into funerals. And, as the celebrant industry is not yet regulated, there are also independent celebrants working in many areas."
Zinnia is definitely a wonderful writer, whose work is worth reading. She completely captivates her audience with every word, knowing how to allow a story to arc naturally. Whether a heartbreaking turn or a humorous honest moment, such as the blog entitled "The Vicar's Knickers", she makes you want to read more entries on her blog.
Through it all, she makes talking about death seem acceptable. So, with all of the funeral planning for other people, it begs the question: does Zinnia have her own funeral planned?
"No, just the music – including two religious pieces, which might seem odd as I am not a believer, but it just goes to show that the Devil did not get all the best tunes," Zinnia says. "I think my legacy will come from my writing, as people will still be able to read that after I'm dead – whether it's a funeral script, a blog post, an email, an article or a book. I would like my writing to continue to offer people help, comfort, amusement, and food for thought."
For Celebrants, they have to find a way to decompress after conducting a funeral service.
"I like to be at home with my beloved Top Bloke, sharing a tasty home-cooked meal, a bottle of good red wine, some chat and," Zinnia adds, "some hugs."
For an ongoing intriguing read, bookmark Zinnia Cyclamen's blog at http://realefun.blogspot.com.
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